the smedley log - suburban scrawl

Sometimes you just need a mirror…

I don’t suppose I’m alone when it comes to focusing on the problems of other people to avoid focusing on my own problems. I guess we all do it, but I’ve always seen myself as more self-critical than not. So when I’m practicing this hypocritical little aversion technique, it usually escapes my notice.

Maybe that’s because I’ve always had to spend a lot more energy steering away from self-criticism than toward it. Or maybe I’m just like everybody else; maybe there are just some things in life I don’t like to deal with. Hence I cordon them off in a remote corner of my mind, and I look for distractions to help me forget they exist.

Whatever the case, I recently found myself so immersed in examining (even explaining) another person’s behavior that I wasn’t seeing the relevance of my conclusions to my life. But after being shaken from that woeful practice of amateur therapy, the applicability of my findings to my own situation was instantly obvious.

It had me wondering, “How often do I completely miss this?”

In the wake of pretending to know all the answers to someone else’s life (in this case, someone for whom I have much more respect than I was showing at the time), I felt foolish for not seeing how much I was projecting onto this person. I regretted my arrogant ramblings. It was as if someone had just put a mirror up, and in it I saw the grotesqueness of my actions.

I was slightly shocked upon that first glimpse, as I imagine most people are when they realize the negative impact of which they’re capable. I felt the need to apologize, though it took me several hours to figure out exactly why the need hit me.

While my analysis may have been rooted in actual concern for a friend, I’m sure I was also using the occasion to distract myself, to pretend I was somehow in a position to prescribe cures for an issue I hadn’t totally grasped. To be sure, there are times when my experience provides the perspective to help other people with certain problems (we all have some wisdom to contribute), but I definitely overstepped this time – in both content and tone.

By way of apology, and for the side purpose of assuring some very supportive readers that I’m not always as good as I want to be, I sat down to type this post. (And over three hours later, these are the thoughts that escaped.)

For cross-reference purposes, this post follows the same thought pattern as the haiku I posted this morning. Many, I’m sure, will prefer the haiku version

I’m self-critical to a fault. Two things I’ve been actively working on for a while now: 1. not to put myself down so much, and 2. not to give unsolicited advice to other people. I’m good at the second one (easy—keep my damn mouth shut), but the first takes conscious effort.

The post I was thinking of doing today was going to address this issue obliquely, but I don’t always like showing my mirror to others—I think I do that a little too much for my own liking. (see what I mean? ;))

That is a hard habit to break, Yoko. I find that sometimes when trying to avoid being overly self-critical, I end up going too far in the other direction.

Ah, hubris—pride goes before a fall.