the smedley log - suburban scrawl

Mourning angst

“Won’t it be dull when we rid ourselves
of all these demons haunting us
to keep us company?”
- Barenaked Ladies (from “War on Drugs“)

This is about angst – sort of. There was a time when I was full of it. These days I’m sometimes melancholy, but it just isn’t the same.

I remember when I realized I was losing my sense of perpetual angst. It felt, for a while at least, like I was losing an integral part of me. I dreaded its absence, almost mourned it, wondering if I would even recognize life without it.

Angst was almost my friend. Not the sort of friend who remembers your birthday or loans you a few dollars when you’re short, but the type that nurses a heroine addiction and steals the last twenty from your wallet. Still, I was sure I’d miss it.

But like most dysfunctions, I only expected to miss it. I never actually missed it once it was gone.

It fascinates me how many things people are better off without but still dread losing.

I felt the same way about its cousin, depression. I remember even saying to the psychiatrist I was seeing at the time, “Won’t it make me less of a musician if I weren’t depressed?”

Duh. I am a better musician now in some respects because I can manage my depression better.

The process of change, even if it’s positive change, can be a scary thing.

I, for one, am glad to hear that you were able to release your angst and that you don’t miss it.

yoko – I think I read an interview with Sting years ago in which he intimated a fear of gaining a healthier mindset for the same basic reason you mentioned. Of course, given some of his work since I read that, there may have been some substance to his fears

But seriously, I wrote thousands of pages of stuff out of angst. Some of it seemed better because of where it came from, but looking back I don’t think I could have developed anywhere near to the point I have without letting go of my miserable old “muse.”

Marisa – in my experience, positive changes tend to be the scariest, because they often require us to go against a way of thinking/doing to which we’ve grown accustomed – and let’s face it, those bad habits seem to have a sort of gravity to them that pulls you back the second you slip up.

“Not the sort of friend who remembers your birthday or loans you a few dollars when you’re short, but the type that nurses a heroine addiction and steals the last twenty from your wallet. Still, I was sure I’d miss it.”

I think the above is an excellent piece of writing which incorporates your experience of angst and your wisdom about it.

To me, it is a higher form of writing. Just going on and describing details and perceptions of life’s miseries without perspective can be somewhat maturbatory.

As far as the “dullness” refered to in the lyric, I’d much rather spend the day hiking than worrying.

best,

Angst is an emotionally exhausting feeling. Happiness and contentment are easy to deal with because they give us energy.
I think we become accustomed to the low energy level and think that it is normal. When we are relieved of it, we energize.
It’s like people who quit smoking and realize that they can now use their senses of smell and taste.

qazse – Thanks. Those words mean a lot coming from someone whose writing and perspective I’ve come to admire. Though I must admit that writing about my own experiences may be the only aspect that makes it interesting to me, so I’m not sure which angle would be more, um, self-gratifying.

Anthony – I like your perspective on angst. The smoking analogy is probably as good as I’ve heard. Though we first have to talk ourselves out of the fear of losing familiarity, the actual change is a wonderful thing, at least once it’s been made.

howard – I did not mean to imply that one should not write about their own experiences. I understand it is your wellspring of creation. However,it seems to me, you do more than desribe your life. You always seem to call forth a higher context such as a question, realization, or reflection on life. This process occasions a response in the reader to think beyond the mundane.

You seem to be such a thoughtful person with much to give. It would be a shame if you were always bundled up in a ball of angst. BUT, having been balled up at certain times makes you a better writer for it.

Anthony – right on

Have a great weekend!

PS: Howard, thank you for the compliment!

qazse – I think I understood what you meant, though my response may not have been as clear as it could have been. I took it that you were referring more to writing that doesn’t infuse personal perspective.

P.S. – you’re welcome