the smedley log - suburban scrawl

Half a woman

“They called him Great Scott because he was great.
They called her Great Susan ‘cause she was his date.
She climbed in a box; he cut her in two,
and when he was through, she was just half a woman…”

I was chuckling as I listened to the above song lyrics yesterday. And then, as is so often my custom, I began analyzing the words and applying them to other ideas.

I remembered a girl I dated when I was 19. She was short. Like five feet even—not the statuesque type at all. She wasn’t especially striking in any obvious way. Which isn’t to say she didn’t have her qualities. She most certainly did, but I recall more than a few times when buddies of mine would catch a glimpse of her and wonder out loud why I thought so highly of her. Some of those same guys would change their tune after about two minutes around her.

I could never explain it in concrete terms, but she definitely had a way. People seemed to swarm her in social situations. At any given party, several guys would hit on her when I wasn’t conspicuously by her side. I could never quantify the phenomenon, except to reason to myself that I found her completely attractive, so why wouldn’t they?

It wasn’t until years later that I attributed a great deal of her natural charisma to an unfailing belief in herself. This girl was confident, and other people picked up on it.

It’s so unlike many females I’ve known, including most of the ones I’ve dated. I’ve often wondered what the key is to giving a young woman the confidence to not bow to the seemingly countless negative pressures and neuroses I hear about almost daily.

I have nieces now, two of them in or approaching the typically awkward stages of adolescence. This bewilderment with the psyche of young women has been a curiosity of mine for a long time. But now it’s much more scary than anything else. I wrote about “clearing the sill of the world” a few weeks back, and this is a huge chunk of the thought process that filled my mind at the time.

I don’t envy those who have to rear adolescent daughters (let alone any adolescents), but I admire those that have managed to help guide their daughters through safely. I’d love to know: what’s the secret?

Keep me apprised of any feedback you get on this topic. My youth was riddled with insecurities and I feel that my own offspring could use a bit more from me other than ‘deal with it’.

I’ve really had to fight and struggle from a pretty messed up childhood (which caused me to have frequent suicidal fantasies) to have a decent sense of self.

But one of the amazingly sad realizations I had as a teacher is that 2 of my better, brighter students also struggled with being suicidal in HS and found out after the fact a female relative I value greatly was too (and believe pretty strongly her brother did not feel this way). I don’t feel like I’m “excused” and they’re not, I just believe it must somehow come in the global socialization of girls. And I wish I had an answer too, beyond knowing as much as I do about “my” answer. All 3 of these girls were beautiful and smart and sweet and everything you’d want a human to be.

On the other side, I am very happy that women like the girl you mention come out of things ahead of the game and am with you in wishing that was more of the norm. I do believe positives in environment help things significantly and it does sound like you move heaven & earth to be a good uncle to them and they’d know you’d be there if you needed them.

I have no track record yet of producing well adjusted adult female children, but as the father of one of the aforementioned neices, I can share that my recipe includes first loving her mother. I try to overwhelm this young women with fatherly love, to tell her she is beautiful often, that any guy will be extremely lucky to have her. Furthermore she knows that any guy she ever courts (“dating” is out of the question) will have to meet with my approval and that of the whole family, and that any young man worth her time will gladly submit to such a process. I’ve tried to warn her that even the best young men will face temptations, and possibly even lie to her, to get her to give up her body. I bless her with high expectations to live up to, but at the same time always let her know she is loved no matter how imperfectly she lives up to them. Most importantly, I remind her often that she is a precious jewel in God’s eyes, and that she is his before any man’s (even me).

Oh, and we also homeschool, so the peer pressure issue is greatly reduced. So far, it’s working pretty well. [fingers crossed]

I wish I had threaded comments, but I guess it’ll suffice if I acknowledge the last two comments single-handedly:

Ellen, I think you’re right about the positive environment, which I think ties into Steve’s basic idea. I think “blessing” your daughters with high expectations is a good thing; I’ve known a lot of females who definitely haven’t had high expectations of their relationship partners. Hopefully, it sticks—and you know that my fingers are also crossed.

[…] I ask because I think it’s somewhat connected to the curiosities I’ve been entertaining (in posts like this and this). Namely, I wonder about people who figure their entire sense of self-worth based on the opinions of other people. I have a hard time imagining a situation in which such a method of calculation is very reliable. […]