the smedley log - suburban scrawl

Anchors

Where do you get love-
-down below or from somewhere above?
-Matthew Sweet

What gives you value? What make you feel like your life is worthwhile?

I ask because I think it’s somewhat connected to the curiosities I’ve been entertaining (in posts like this and this). Namely, I wonder about people who figure their entire sense of self-worth based on the opinions of other people. I have a hard time imagining a situation in which this method of calculation is very reliable.

Take a situation where the person on whom you’re basing your value is someone with whom you’re romantically linked. I know there are many couples out there who treat each other consistently well, making the aforementioned system seem a safe bet, but there has to be something else at work, too, doesn’t there?

Heck, even a parent’s love isn’t so reliable, is it? While they usually mean well, there still tends to be that emotional factor that can upset the whole apple cart of a child’s internal stability. And if a parent trains a child to see himself as just a function of the parent’s happiness or disappointment, what happens when the parent is gone? Sorry if it sounds morbid

For that matter, even in the “perfect” romantic relationship, what happens when one partner or the other is no longer around?

Don’t you have to find your anchor in something more objective? I think so.

That’s probably a huge part of the appeal of religion. Which isn’t to say I think that’s a bad idea. I certainly set my anchor in those waters. But what of people who don’t believe in an objective base like God? To what anchor do they cling? Is it looking good? Is it money? Is it popular favor? Maybe career? The methods for self-validation seem endless, and of the ones named in the last sequence of queries, they all seem to have one thing in common: they’re attributes that largely derive their own status from other people’s opinions.

I’m not asking these questions to be argumentative. And I don’t necessarily expect the answers to any age-old mysteries in response to this post. But I am eternally curious what others believe is an ideal anchor for their emotional stability, with or without religious implications.

My ideal anchor for emotional stability is the fixed and unswerving belief that emotional stability cannot itself be a thing sought.

I don’t know that I’d call it emotional stability, but my anchor is me. That sounds utterly vain and stupid, but it’s where I try to make myself draw from when times are most. I have come from not great places with not the best resources, but I’ve struggled like mad to get what I do have today and try to draw from that.

Best explained in the “Medea” context (not that I consider her a GLOBAL role model) – after losing Jason and her children, being exiled from her new land but unwelcome in her old (due to killing her brothers for Jason) she is asked “What do you have left”. And she says “I have me”.

Or this may just be one of those things that just makes sense to me…

Howard, Did I ever mention that I love it when you post this type of stuff? If not, it’s my mistake because I do.

I constantly navel-gaze about stuff like this, but a few years ago when my oldest friends were getting married and having babies, the feeling was way more acute. My friend Matty and I would talk about where people who aren’t heading down the marriage and family path find meaning in their lives. We never really found an answer, but as I go along, I guess I’m learning some stuff.

I think I derive a certain amount of meaning and self worth from my job. This hasn’t always been the case, but in this job I help people find solutions to their problems and I have an immediate sense of my impact on them. To a certain degree, blogging has helped too. I like the idea of sharing my crap with the world. OK, maybe it unburdens me, but that’s OK. And friends provide meaning, especially the people who actually stick around in my life. They still like me even when I do stupid stuff.

I don’t find that much meaning in either religion or relationships. I don’t feel like I was put here to do God’s will, I guess that’s a sense of purpose and meaning that religion gives some people, but I don’t get that. I feel like I was put here because my parents wanted a kid, had sex, and got one. Relationships are also tough to count because most times, until you find a good one, they’re more fleeting than the average friendship.

Of course, I too draw some of my self worth from myself, but I probably never could have done that without my parents’ influence, particularly my father. He didn’t really worry about what anyone thought of him, he just tried to live according to his rules (which were pretty much God’s rules). I know I rave about the man constantly, but I think so much of him and he’s impacted who I’ve turned into more than he ever knew or probably could ever imagine.

Did I answer the question?;)

Steve,

“My ideal anchor for emotional stability is the fixed and unswerving belief that emotional stability cannot itself be a thing sought.”

Perhaps I phrased the question wrong, and as such, you’re about the most reliable person to take advantage of that

When I write of emotional stability, I don’t mean to hold it up as an ideal unto itself. More than that, I’m thinking of it in terms of the idea that people who lack emotional stability (or self esteem, or belief that their life has a vital purpose, or whatever it is that makes a person feel their life is worthwhile) may be more easily manipulated. And in that, I think a sense of stability is probably a good baseline for functionality.

Does thinking in those terms change your response any?

Ellen,

So is the struggle (or reflection on the struggle) like a focal point that helps you stay on target? Or something like that?

Melissa,

Thank you for the encouraging intro! I think you answered the question. But then, as much as the question tends to the subjective, how would I really know if you didn’t, right? Would it be fair to say that you find self-worth in your utility? I think there’s some sense in there that I can grasp, unless I’m mis-reading you entirely.

And, of course, if the post didn’t let it out already, I’m not too much for worrying what other people think of me—though I guess sometimes that would be useful, too.

Howard,

You hit the nail right on the head, much more concisely than I did. Bottom line, I guess, it’s a bunch of stuff for me and I think I’m probably happiest when my self worth is coming from a mix of places.

For me, when I am most effective, I can turn the emotional turmoil around rationally. But I’m not always that good at it – getting better with age. Part is reminding myself I’ve already gone thru much worse (the joy of having a misspent youth, I guess). Another is taking the rules I apply to other people and trying to hold myself to them (eg – if I wouldn’t let someone get away with saying X to my niece, to not think it’s OK for saying it to me because it’s “just me”).

I don’t mean to imply I’m anywhere near perfect at grounding myself – just that I seem to find the most success using tactics such as these and trying to find value in myself as me.

Does that make more sense? Am not confident it does, but have to go to work, so it’ll have to for now.

[…] And perhaps this is just another way of re-hashing a question I posed a while ago, but I’m kind of interesting in what other people think success means. […]